Satan’s Plan to Take Over Rock Heaven

In case you missed it over at Mike Ladano’s blog, I am putting on my latest story. Satan plans to take over Rock Heaven and sets his plan in motion. Will he succeed? Read on and find out.

Takeover of Rock Heaven

Part 1- The Plan

Somewhere in Hell:

Satan walked into the room waiting to address the assembled gathering, when he was distracted by a commotion. His security was holding back Adolph Hitler and Saddam Hussein, who were demanding to be let into the meeting. Calmly, he walked over to where the commotion was coming from. “Look,” he said sternly, “I said clearly that you two aren’t coming in here.”

“You need us,” Hitler argued.

“No we don’t ,” Satan returned. “This isn’t a military operation, otherwise Julius Caesar would be here. Even it if it was I still wouldn’t have you two in here. You both demonstrated your military incompetence while you were on Earth.”

“But you have Vlad the Impaler here,” Hitler protested.

“He’s here for a different reason,” Satan explained. “Besides, if we have to kill any prisoners, we have your man Werner Poetsche. Now go before I go back to shoving pineapples up both your asses. “

With that, Hitler and Saddam were marched away and the door was closed. Satan let out an exasperated sigh before sitting at the head of the long table. As he sat down, Vlad questioned, “Why is he here?” pointing to Dave Holland.

“Because I should be in Rock Heaven,” Dave snarled back. “I’m only in Hell because of a bollocks conviction. Fucking Elvis used that to not allow me in, damn him.”

“Enough!” Satan boomed, his thunderous voice shaking the room. It achieved its goal in silencing all. “Mr. Holland is here at my request. He will help us in rounding up all the key members of Rock Heaven and he can get some revenge.”

That’s right,” Dave affirmed. “They’re all a bunch of assholes. They wouldn’t let me in but I bet when that woman beater Tony Iommi dies , they’ll let him in.”

Satan sighed again. “They probably will. Some religions look favourably on men hitting women. That’s another reason why I plan to take over and have summoned all of you here. There should be no Rock Heaven, most of those rock stars should be with us here in Hell. You are all going to help plan my takeover. I have had a mole there since 2003 and he’s been feeding me information whenever he can.”

“A mole, that’s a brilliant idea!” Al Capone complented. “Who is he?”

“You’d be very surprised,” was Satan’s reply. “My mole did get me into Rock Heaven when some mortal went back in time to try to wipe out heavy metal. So, now it’s the perfect time to act.”

“Couldn’t we take our legions and just storm the place?” Vlad suggested.

“It’s not that simple,” Satan explained. “The other side has a fail safe. If we simply invade, we risk all out war with Heaven, I mean the real Heaven. We don’t need that, so we have to be more cunning.”

“Is that why Julius isn’t here?” Caligula inquired.

“Exacty why!” Satan affirmed. “And why we can’t risk an all out war with Heaven. The last time that happened, Heaven’s forces were commanded by George S. Patton who studied Caesar’s strategies and thwarted him at every turn. We got our asses kicked.”

“So tell me exactly how we are going to take over Rock Heaven?” Charles Manson probed.

“Yeah, you know once we act, those two Canadian super-heroes and their companions will try to stop you,” Dave Holland pointed out.

“I know,” Satan conceded. “But I have a plan. Those two super-heroes will be on a wild goose chase and while they’re distracted elsewhere, we will make our move. Besides, once we take over Rock Heaven, I think the town of Thunder Bay will thank us. They’re not happy with those super-heroes or the musicians in Rock Heaven for putting on that concert which nearly destroyed their town.”

Somewhere in Rock Heaven:

Martin Suplee’s head was pounding once again. He hoped he might have had a reprieve this time around. After all, Rory Gallagher and Jeff Beck were more blues guitarists, likewise with Dusty Hill on bass. Even with Razzle on drums, he thought it might not have been the metal he was constantly being bombared with. However, he couldn’t have been more wrong. They turned up the amp and bombarded him with power chords and blistering guitar solos. His head was throbbing by the time the session finished.

The throbbing began to ease as he was escorted back to his cell. In one way, he was lucky. Most of the time, he was subjected to sessions involving Lemmy, Jeff Hannemann and Cliff Burton. Those sessions left him with the feeling his head was going to explode in scanners fashion. “I guess I should be grateful,” he thought to himself as he entered his cell.

He needed no force to go into the cell, it gave him respite from the constant jamming of decesased musicians from the genre he tried to erase from history. Had it not been for this time alone, he would have gone mad ages ago. Several of his hench-persons who had travelled back in time with him urged him to admit that he was wrong in trying to erase metal from history. He stubbornly refused. If anything, constantly being bombarded with heavy metal from dead metal musicians only strenghtened his belief that his cause was right.

Suplee was still thinking this over, at least when he could because even in his cell, he was still able to hear those musicans playing. At that moment, it was Warrell Dane, Eddie Van Halen, Lorne Black and A.J. Pero who were assaulting his eardrums. Suddenly, he was distracted by shuffling at his cell door. Suplee turned and saw a singer, who didn’t sing heavy metal and he admired somewhat, standing at his cell’s entrance.

Before he could say anything, the singer put his finger to his lips and whispered, “I’ve come to get you out.” With that, the singer beckoned and Martin Suplee followed. Stealthily, the pair tiptoed through Rock Heaven and somehow, nobody noticed them. They carried on until they came to a huge door.

“This is the way out,” the singer directed.

“Where will I go?” asked a rather perplexed Mr. Suplee.

“Why, to Hell of course,” the singer responded, trying to keep down the volume of his voice. “Why, if anyone leaves Rock Heaven, the only place they can go is Hell. My boss is expecting you. He will assist you in ridding the world of heavy metal.”

Suplee opened his mouth to ask for more details but the singer had mysteriously vanished from sight, leaving him on his own. Not knowing what else to do, he thought to himself, “It’s worth a try” and pushed the door open and stepped through. As he entered a strange void, all he could think was “Maybe there was still a chance that he could wipe heavy metal from ever existing.”

Back in Hell

Satan waited along with those he assembled as the figure materialised before them. “When it did, he addressed the confused new arrival, “Welcome to Hell, Mr. Suplee.”

Bewildered, Mr. Suplee looked around the room. Why he actually was in Hell! He recognized Satan as he was responsible for him being in Rock Heaven. If that wasn’t enough, he recognized some of those with him, chiefly Al Capone and Charles Manson. Plus the were two other men and a woman, who he assumed was Lizzy Borden, due to her clothing. One man was in medieval dress, the other in a Roman toga. However, the remaining man bothered him. He was dressed in heavy metal attire. Therefore, he sensed a trap.

“Who’s he?” Suplee asked pointing to the metal clad Dave Holland.

“Why, he’s part of my plan to take over Rock Heaven!” Satan laughed louldy sending vibrations around the room. “All those metal musicians should be suffering here in Hell. Don’t you agree?”

Mr. Suplee nodded, “What do you want me to do?”

Satan explained, “What you didn’t know when you went back in time to destroy heavy metal from existence is that when those in Rock Heaven created heavy metal, one of the blueprints they used was Nazereth’s “Hair of the Dog” album. What you need to do is go to this Metalman’s house and steal his copy. You can get your revenge on him as well for his assistance in Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes defeating you. When you steal that album, Metalman will call for the super-heroes and they will come to stop you and you can defeat them.

“How can I defeat them? Last time, I had a special device but they neutralized it. Now I’m just an ordinary human.”

“That’s where I come in!” Satan boomed. “I can give you powers that will help you defeat them.

“Then give me those powers,” Suplee demanded. “And I shall defeat those meddlesome super-heroes and wipe heavy metal from history!” His laughed resembled those from cartoon villians.

“Very well,” Satan chortled. He pointed his trident at Mr. Suplee and the transformation began taking place. Suplee let out a long blood-curtling scream as large black wings began growing from the middle of his back. However, he took the pain as a new aura overcame him. When the wings had fully grown out, his clothing mysteriously changed to black robes. A few seconds later, the transformation was complete and Suplee felt different.

“Arise,” Satan commanded.

Mr. Suplee stood tall. He spread out his new wings fully, nearly knocking into Al Capone.

“Your transformation is now complete,” Satan informed. “You can know go and destroy Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes.

“Yes, I will have my vengeance on those two,” Suplee snarled before he mysteriously vanished.

Once Suplee had gone, Caligula asked, “Do you think he’ll succeed?”

Satan mischievously replied, “He doesn’t need to. All we need is for him to keep the super-heroes busy long enough so we can make our move on Rock Heaven.”

I hope you enjoyed. Once again, I’ve been covering a lot of colleague sickness at work so I haven’t been able to post as usual. Hopefully, that will change soon.

Great Rock Albums of 1989: Rod Stewart- The Best of Rod Stewart

Truthfully, I was never that big of a Rod Stewart fan and I only know him from his hits. I did review his albums “Tonight I’m Yours,” from 1982 and “Camouflage” from 1984. Going back and reading those posts, I was quite fond of the first but scathing of the second. Not even Jeff Beck could save “Camouflage.”

With “The Best of Rod Stewart,” which was the first of a series of Rod compilation albums, I feel that I don’t really need to buy any more of his records because with this, I have all the songs of his I need, almost. Two songs which I really like are omitted from the album. One, “Infatuation,” which was one of the high points of the album, I wasn’t keen on, is one of them. Come on, we all like to see the video where Jeff Beck pops up in a motel room and plays his guitar solo. Even without the video, it’s still a good song. It does appear on the other compilation albums.

What doesn’t appear on this album or any of the next couple of compilations, which definitely should have, is “Ain’t Love a Bitch,” from the “Blondes Have More Fun” album. Now, I didn’t review that album because back in 1979, I thought it was too disco but I remember that one song and really liked it. The title alone was enough to amuse my then 18 year old mind. Yet, the disco “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” does appear on this album. They put the wrong song from that album on here. Another song missing is “Hot Legs” from the “Footloose and Fancy Free” album but the two songs which are here almost make up for it.

Now onto the positive and there are many. All of the other songs which I liked from Rod when I heard them as singles are on here. Of course, there’s the legendary “Maggie May” and other great Rod classics like “Sailing” and the very suggestive “Tonight’s the Night,” which had a religious girl I know who was a big Rod fan go off him because she thought the song was disgusting. I laugh at that. Of course we have “Young Turks” which resulted in the first of Rod’s cheesy videos from the MTV era. Whenever I hear this, I still think of young people dancing on the hoods of cars. But of all the songs on here, my favourite Rod song of all time happens to be “You’re In My Heart.” As many of you know, I’m a sucker for a good power ballad and Rod does ballads very well but it is the guitar solo which makes this one tops in my book.

Misinformation was one reason why I visited this album. I was informed that Rod had an album out in 1989 called, “Downtown Train.” It turns out that it was a single made for this album and while it doesn’t displace any of the RS songs I do like, it does fit in well with the album.

Track Listing:

1. Maggie May
2. You Wear It Well
3. Baby Jane
4. Do Ya Think I’m Sexy
5. I Was Only Joking
6. This Old Heart of Mine
7. Sailing
8. I Don’t Want To Talk About It
9. You’re In My Heart
10. Young Turks
11. What Am I Going to Do (I’m Still in Love With You)
12. The First Cut is the Deepest
13. The Killing of Georgie Part I and II
14. Tonight’s the Night
15. Every Beat of My Heart
16. Downtown Train

Rod Stewart

I thought I’d put this one in because it should be on the album.

And this one

I know there are more definitive Rod Stewart greatest hits album but this one from 1989 is sufficient for me.

Next post: The Hooters- Zig Zag

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Rest in Peace Jeff Beck

Jeff Beck

It looks like 2023 is going to suck for sure. Last night, guitarist extraordinaire, Jeff Beck, passed away in hospital in Southern England from Meningitis. He was 78. Beck’s music spanned many decades and you can click the link below to read about his amazing life in music. While I have always known him to be a fantastic guitarist, his appearances on 80smetalman featured his 1985 album, “Flash” and his appearance on Rod Stewart’s 1984 album where in the video for the song, “Infatuation,” he pops up in a hotel room to play his guitar solo. Of course, according to the most famous roadie, Del Preston, in “Wayne’s World 2,” Jeff found a sweet shop so Ozzy could fill a brandy glass with brown M&Ms.

To read about Jeff Beck’s amazing career: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/11/arts/music/jeff-beck-dead.html

Rest in peace Jeff Beck.

Great Rock Albums of 1985: Jeff Beck- Flash

For many years leading up to 1985, I was always intending to explore the work of Jeff Beck. One guy I knew from high school was heavily into him and when I was in the service, one of my fellow marines remarked, “That white boy can really play a guitar.” However for some reason, I never got around to listening to him. At least until 1985 when I heard about this album.

Jeff Beck’s “Flash” album was one of the very few albums I bought because of MTV. The single, “People Get Ready,” which featured Rod Stewart on the vocals got considerable airplay. What I liked about the song was the fact that Rod’s vocals went very well with Jeff’s guitar work although I knew that from Rod’s album from the previous year. However, in this video, Jeff doesn’t pop up in a hotel room to play his guitar solo.

Most of the album does conform to what was then a more commercial 1980’s sound although I won’t go as far as to call any track here synth pop. The closest tracks to that are the opener, “Ambitious” but I hear a hint of reggae in that song and the instrumental, “Escape.” One reason I wouldn’t call the latter song synth pop is because Jan Hammer assumes the keyboards duties on that track and he and Jeff make some interesting music.  In each of those songs though, he does with a guitar what he does best and flails away with some great licks. The remainder of the album, bar one song, goes more funk. “Stop Look and Listen” and “Get Workin'” are prime examples here and while good, Jeff’s guitar solos make them sound even better.

Now let’s talk about my favourite track on the album. The second track, “Gets Us All in the End” is a true rocker in every sense of the word. When I first heard the song, the vocals sounded so familiar that I thought Jeff used a metal singer for the track. In actuality, the vocals are done by Wet Willie singer, Jimmy Hall, who also sings on three other tracks as well. While this is an excellent album, imagine what it could have been if there were more tracks like this one.

Track Listing:

1. Ambitious
2. Gets Us All in the End
3. Escape
4. People Get Ready
5. Stop Look and Listen
6. Get Workin’
7. Ecstasy
8. Night After Night
9. You Know, We Know

Jeff Beck

Jeff Beck- guitars, lead vocals tracks 6 and 8

Jimmy Hall- lead vocals tracks 1,2,5 and 7

Rod Stewart- lead vocals, track 4

Jan Hammer- keyboards, track 3

Tony Hymas- keyboards, track 9

Dave Hitchings- keyboards

Robert Sabino- keyboards

Carmine Appice- drums

Jay Burnett- drums

Jimmy Bralower- drums

Barry DeSouza- drums

Tony ‘Thunder’ Smith- drums

Doug Wimbish- bass

Tina B- backing vocals

Curtis King- backing vocals

David Simms- backing vocals

Frank Simms- backing vocals

George Simms- backing vocals

David Spinner- backing vocals

Maybe this single will bring back memories:

And of course my favorite track:

I wonder how many people remember that Jeff Beck/Rod Stewart collaboration on “People Get Ready.” It was the song which turned my eye to this album and I’m glad it did. Jeff put out a great album here with “Flash.”

Next post: INXS- Listen Like Thieves

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Great(ish) Rock Albums of 1984: Rod Stewart- Camouflage

Rod Stewart has always been a top forty artist in my book. He’s had a string of hits over the past four decades, some of them I actually liked, especially during the 1970s and 80s. I confessed to this fact when I visited his 1982 “Tonight I’m Yours” album some time ago. One of those singles I like happened to be the single, “Infatuation,” from the 1984 album, “Camouflage.” The song does venture  towards the new wave/hard rock borderland and even more so with the guitar solo by Jeff Beck. That brings me to the video for the song. Rod continues his string of cheesy videos that started with “Young Turks” where everyone is dancing on the hoods of cars and carries on with “Infatuation. In this video, Jeff Beck pops up in the hotel room from out of nowhere to play his solo. I understand that Mike LeBrain has had the same problem. Whenever he stays in a hotel room, Jeff Beck shows up. To quote a title from another song on “Camouflage,” some guys have all the luck.

After the opener, “Infatuation,” things go downhill pretty fast. While, I applaud Rod Stewart for a decent single at first, with the next track, I’m ready to place a bounty on his head for his act of sacrilege. He covers the Free classic “All Right Now” and it is a totally synthed out version. If he had kept to the script set down by Free, his voice would have carried the song but with all the synthesizers, I have to say, “No Rod!” But that’s not the only cover he has destroyed. On track four, he sings a cover of the Todd Rungren classic, “Can We Still Be Friends.” Like “All Right Now” there’s nothing wrong with his voice on the song but again, the synthesizers ruin it for me. While this sacrilege isn’t as bad, it’s still bad enough that even Jeff Beck’s guitar solo can’t save it.

Jeff does improve things with a solo on the track after, “Bad For You.” This one is more in line with the opener and sounds quite good. “Heart is On the Line” is one of those pop sounding songs that isn’t bad but it’s not one I want to listen to over and over. “The title track is much more sharper. Rod’s voice takes control of it and therefore the synths that appear on it are only in the background. Plus there’s a good use of horns adding a bit of diversity. Had Jeff belted out a solo on it, it might have been my favourite track. The closer, “Trouble” typifies how unbalanced “Camouflage” is. The keyboard intro makes you feel it’s going to be a cool prog rock song only to fade away into a ballad. Now, Rod has always been able to sing a good ballad and does so here but the intro leaves me disappointed with the rest of the song.

Track Listing:

1. Infatuation
2. All Right Now
3. Some Guys Have All the Luck
4. Can We Still Be Friends
5. Bad For You
6. Heart is On the Line
7. Camouflage
8. Trouble

Rod Stewart

Rod Stewart- vocals

Jeff Beck- guitar

Jim Cregan- guitar

Robin LeMesurier- guitar

Michael Landau- guitar

Jay Davis- bass

Tony Brock- drums

Kevin Savigar- keyboards

Michael Omartian- keyboards, percussion, backing vocals

Jimmy Zavala- harmonica

Gary Herbig- saxophone

Jerry Hey, Chuck Finley, Kim Hutchcroft, Charlie Loper, Gary Grant- horns

Was “Camouflage” great? I tend not to think so, however, it could have been so if there weren’t so many synth versions of classic rock songs. The songs that are good are but others let the album down. It seems here, he was comfortable being a top forty singer.

Next post: Roger Waters- The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking

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